Lost Woman Song
by NachtcGleiskette
Summary: Exiles fic.....My take on TJ's "miscarriage"........R


Ok I was inspired to write this after a few posts I made at the Nightscrawlers message board. This is what I think of Talia's "miscarriage". If you reread certain issues, they definitely imply this, but, of course, the "implications" could be taken many ways, this is just the way I took it. So read and review!! And, yes, the title is an Ani Difranco song..but this is NOT a songfic....death to songfics..  
  
Disclaimer: You are like fish in the water who don't know that they are wet. As far as I can tell the world isn't perfect yet. ( I LOVE ANI!)  
  
~&~  
  
Ow, Jesus, now I'm bleeding. The one thing my mother constantly nagged me about was my nasty nail biting habit. I don't do it often, only when I'm nervous. But she always used to get angry when she'd see me doing it. "You have such beautiful hands," she'd say. "Why do you do that?" Well, if she knew why I was doing it now, I doubt she'd be nagging. It'd be the last thing on her mind. Oh, God, I miss her.  
  
I miss everything, I miss everyone. I want to go home so badly. I just want to wake up from this. Look back on it as a bad dream. Because that's what this is . It's a nightmare.  
  
Well, back to chewing on my nails. Not much nail left to chew, but there's always enough cuticle. There's a girl sitting across from me. She won't look at me, or anything else, for that matter. She just stares at the floor. I'm kind of glad, I really don't want to talk to her. But, knowing we are both in the same predicament, she probably doesn't want to talk to me either.  
  
Jesus, am I doing the right thing? Am I? God, please, tell me. I need to know, I need help, I need.....well, I need justification. Yes, that's what I need. I need justification. Why am I here right now? Why can't I be home with my family and friends, why do I have to be moving from reality to reality? Seeing people I think I know, people I think care about me, only to find out they have no clue who I am. Do you know how much that hurts? I know they are not the people I know, but at the same time, aren't they? I don't know. I just don't know. I guess that's why I'm here right now. Because I don't know.  
  
Oh, God, why'd we have to leave him behind? I'd have stayed, screw the Time Broker, screw everyone! I wanted to stay, I wanted to be with him forever. I wanted to have his baby, and raise it as a family. All of us, together. I can't do it alone, I can't. Oh, Jesus, I'm crying. Why can't I be strong? Why can't I do this? I hate to cry.  
  
The other girl is looking at me now. She has tears in her eyes too. For a moment, it's as if we can see into each other, and we can feel what the other is feeling. But really, it's that we're feeling the same thing. Desperation, complete desperation. And shame.  
  
"Miss Wagner?" I look up. The nurse has a consoling smile on her face, as she takes the two of us in. And I hate her for it. She shouldn't smile, who ever told her this was a time to smile? God, it just makes me feel even worse.  
  
I stand up, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. She gestures for me to follow, and I do, back into the examination room. She is telling me something, probably about whats going to happen, but I'm not really listening. I'd rather not know the details, I just want to get it over with.  
  
"I just need you to take off your clothes and put this on, ok, dear?" She hands me a paper gown. Dear? Who the hell is she calling me dear? I don't need her friendship and I don't need her pity. God, I hope I never see her again.  
  
She leaves and I begin to undress. Every button I open, every piece of  
clothing I pull off makes me more resolute in my decision. But all the  
while, I can hear something screaming from the back of my head. "What  
the hell are you doing? Get out of here, go back to the hotel, TALK to  
your friends. Don't do this! Please, don't do it!" But I can't turn  
around now. I know I'm doing the right thing. Aren't I?  
  
Aren't I? AM I?? IS THIS RIGHT? Am I doing the right thing? Oh, God,  
am I? Oh, Jesus, oh, God, is this right? Suddenly, I'm not so sure.  
  
The doctor enters. He checks his sheets before greeting me. "Good  
evening Miss Wagner."  
  
"Please don't call me that." I'm shocked at my rudeness. But, my  
father's name, I can't be reminded now. He'd be so ashamed of me.  
  
"Would you prefer Talia, then?"  
  
"TJ would be better," Only two people in my life ever called me Talia.  
I can't be reminded of them either, especially John. The reason I'm  
here. No, he's not the reason, I am. I'm weak. I can't do it alone, I  
can't do it without him. God help me, I just can't.  
  
The doctor is talking about the procedure, I don't want to hear it. I  
don't want to know about it. I just want to do it. I don't want to  
think anymore today, I'm through thinking. It's time, I'm ready, let's  
get this over with.  
  
He instructs me to lay back on the table. I do and I put my feet up in  
the stirrups at the end. This is very strange. Very uncomfortable.  
  
The doctor tells me he is beginning, and I can feel his instruments  
inside me. They are cold, and the feeling is terrible. Suddenly, I  
feel my tears welling up again. I don't want to do this anymore, I  
want to leave. But I can't bring myself to move, I can't bring myself  
to do anything. I'm just crying.  
  
"TJ, is everything ok?" The doctor stops, concerned. I just nod and he  
continues. But inside, I am screaming. STOP! I don't want to do this!  
I don't want my baby to die! But I can't bring myself to tell him. I'm  
weak.  
  
My crying subsides and I can feel something. I couldn't tell you what  
it felt like, nor could I tell you how I knew, but it was my baby. I  
could feel it die, right there, at the hands of the doctor I paid. I  
paid for this man to murder my baby. I paid him to take away the last  
bit of John I had left. Like I said, I am weak. And it disgusts me.  
  
The doctor finishes, and tells me to get dressed. He suggests that I  
go home and rest, that I'll need. It. He leaves me to myself and I  
realize now how alone I truly am.  
  
My hand falls over my empty abdomen. What have I done?  
  
~&~  
  
Well, please review...I love to hear what everyone thinks!!  
  
(PS: This is not a pro-life piece, its simply a work of fiction. Take  
it as such...) 


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